it was the first time we went out of singapore together.
things seems beautiful, except for the way we end the trip.
i could not stopped myself from crying even after while travelling back, even after we made up.
"what kind of love is this? Its a fucked-up love"
and so this is what you've said. it keeps ringing in my head.
pretty fucked up huh?
and then i started recalling what Jeremy told Li-Ann in this movie "The leap years"
"you're brave. Not many people can resist being with someone and continue waiting for The Right One. Its because people are afraid of being lonely, they needed someone, and hence the relationship" (something like that, cant really rmbr the exact words)
i cant deny the fact that we love each other,
but just that we aren't the right one for each other.
maybe both of us are just afraid to be lonely.
i dunno why i decided to read the posts in this blog.
reminded me so much abt the unhappy past.
i could still feel the pain, as if the flesh is still raw.
i guess, this unhappy memories could never be forgotten.
i could clearly remember what u said, how i felt, how much i cried.
its something that cant be erased no matter how much i try.
its something that no matter how much love u showered me, that these can be overcome.
how could it hurt that bad? i dont understand.
i tried to remind myself of this kinda pain,
so that if unfortunately the next blow come, it wont hit me as hard.
once is enough, i dun wanna go thru that period one more time.
my heart aint strong enough to take it.
im scared baby.
no matter how hard u hugged me, no matter how in love im with you,
im scared.
the fear of losing you someday, i dont want to face it.
everytime when we quarrel, i really feel like giving up already.
im heart wretch and ached like no one's business.
but i cant let go. i cant imagine my days without you.
i know its really bad. i peeked into ur handphone smses today.
sorry. sorry. sorry.
my curiosity lead me to this.
i saw you calling ZM "my dear" too.
i tried not to be too sensitive,
but i cant help but continue broading about this.
i already felt very angry when u called yeling "my gal"
im jealous.
i feel like smashing ur monitor.
how could u do this to other girls? addressing other girls as "my gal"
how will people think？
have u tot about my feelings if i happen to read them?
WHO EXACTLY IS YOUR GIRL?
you assured me that i am the only one whom you address as "my dear"
but now, after i saw ur sms with ZM.
i began to wonder, how much trust should i put in you.
i really dunno.
im amazed by how i managed to act ignorant abt all this,
continue laughing at ur jokes, continue holding ur hand, continue hugging you,
as if all these didnt happen at all.
and now when im facing the 4 walls at home,
all these thought creep into me silently,
i really dunno.
im at a lost.
tell me,
which are the other people who are YOUR DEARS and YOUR GALS.
it's in time like this,
i realised how dependent i am on my boyfriend.
it's in time like this,
i realised how little friends i have.
got two free tickets,
asked friends out,
but cant make it.
dunno how i should feel.
but its such a depressing week.
maybe im really not matured enough to love a person.
maybe you're right, i haven been doing things that makes you feel loved.
i dunno why i just cant do things that will reach your expectations,
maybe im too stubborn to give in thats y i always do things which expects you to give in to me instead even if im the 1st one at fault.
why cant i give in more?
i dunno why i cant. is it because of my damn idiotic huge pride?
or is it because of those insecurity and so im afraid to put in more?
i really doubt my love for you now.
is it really love?
why cant i do it?
i promised you that'll be the last time
but now, im scared...
really scared.
i just hope time will stop at this moment and tomorrow will never come.
if this kind of things happen again,
maybe.... we're not meant for each other.
maybe im really not matured enough to love a person.
maybe you're right, i haven been doing things that makes you feel loved.
i dunno why i just cant do things that will reach your expectations,
maybe im too stubborn to give in thats y i always do things which expects you to give in to me instead even if im the 1st one at fault.
why cant i give in more?
i dunno why i cant. is it because of my damn idiotic huge pride?
or is it because of those insecurity and so im afraid to put in more?
i really doubt my love for you now.
is it really love?
why cant i do it?
i promised you that'll be the last time
but now, im scared...
really scared.
i just hope time will stop at this moment and tomorrow will never come.
if this kind of things happen again,
maybe.... we're not meant for each other.
that day,
you said you dun think there's any chance of us walking into marriage.
i broke down deep inside me.
this is the damn thing that i dun wanna hear from you.
though i expected that,
but when those came out of your mouth,
i feel that my hopes are diminished.
and from then on,
i've been reassuring myself,
if i try harder, if we try harder, there could be a future for us.
but its so hard to try already, cos...
i dont feel secure anymore.
why should i work so hard for my bleak future?
i keep thinking how good you were treating me,
your sweet actions,
your care and concern to overcome those uncertainties in me,
but its not enough.
not enough.
not enough to erased those "no future" things u said to me that day.
do i really love you?
or is it just because i dun want to be single, and so i cling on to you so hard, thinking that i love you?
i dunno. i really dunno now.
i hate you, for making me so dependent on you.
i removed our ring from my ringman and place it back into the box.
i deleted the sms-es saying "i love you, i miss you" from my inbox.
i took off our neoprint from my wallet and put it back into my neoprint box.
im trying so hard to treat u as a normal friend.
but as im trying, my heart is also aching.
i still dun bear to give up,
but i must.
i tot i should feel happy when i saw your nick "empty minded, totally no mood to do anything"
yes, i did felt happy, for i do not want to see that im the only one who was feeling that way too.
but happy for a moment only.
cos i felt so blessed to have mandy, shun wei and wenna to walk through this dark period of my life.
they are with me, seeing me cry, comforting me, drying my tears, giving me hugs during this crucial period,
and thats what makes me decided to stand up again.
but when i think of you, do u also have pple to go through this period with you.
i worried that u are sad alone all by yourself, and i dun wan to see that.
for this time round, im not the one to comfort you, dry your tears, cheer you up, and be there for you anymore.
my heart ached whenever i feel that you are facing all these alone.
it doesnt make me feel better in the end.
but wad can i do?
we've chosen this path isnt it?
whatever it is, i hope everything goes well for u.
its really inevitable that im thinking so much again,
when im home-alone.
u know, how bitter i felt yesterday?
i skipped lunch, so i can knock off at 4.30pm and rush down to taka to take a look at u.
i reached taka at 5, u werent at the counter.
and so i waited.
waited and waited.
6pm, u're still not there.
6.15pm. stil not thr.
wanted to give up at 6.30, but i finally saw u.
but i regretted waiting for u to appear,
only to witness something i dun wanna see.
i saw the missing ring on ur fingers,
and u being really happy.
i cant help but to think how can u behave like this when im actually so down.
arent you supposed to be down also?
ok, maybe im unreasonable, and u have ur every rights to be happy.
u sent me an sms that really work my tear glands again.
alright.
i get it now.
we are friends.
even if we meet, we'll still be friends.
we are friends because u feel stress comitted to a r/s.
all these. i think for the whole night,
and i really feel that u are bullshitting.
u just dun love me as much anymore.
when i intiate a break for 3 times last time,
u tried so hard to salvage,
and u wanted to salvage it because u love me.
and when we hug and kiss and stuff,
u loved me,
thats y u didnt feel stress committing in a r/s at all.
somehow i feel so cheated,
by u, trying to pin a false hope in me.
im carrying the hope everyday, every moment,
pining u to be back by my side.
u make me feel as if im not worthy anymore.
i know that from the beginning that we dun love me as much anymore,
just that im too weak to face the reality.
now im gonna face it.
brave and strong.
cos just like what shun wei says,
i still have some self-worth in me.
yes, its true that i still love you.
but u dun love me as much anymore.
as for the future, i really leave it to fate.
he says :"catch up with you soon"
so does this mean, we really gonna be friends forever?
i dun wan to be friends only.
we'll say goodbye for now.
we'll be friends for the moment.
all these happen when theres still alot of things that we've not done together.
we've not go to the zoo together,
we've not go overseas together.
i've not show you how i looked in the new blouse that i bought.
can we do them in the future?
i dunno.
i tell myself not to cry,
i tell myself to be strong.
i know its hard on you also,
and thats y if u will be happier with this decision,
im willing to let it be.
do u still rmbr when u last hug me?
do u still rmbr when u last kiss me?
i tell u, i still rmbr.
its on the day when we last went dating together, 8th May 2007.
its our 15 months together.
will there be a 16, 17, 18 or even 100?
i feel so terrible now.
after reading men frm mars and women frm venus...
i realised,
i suddenly can understand how u are feeling.
i regretted the way i chose to live the past week.
but...
u cannot deny u sent me a sms, telling me u dunno if u still love me as much.
should i trust the book?
should i trust your sms,
or should i trust my feelings?
im still v confused of my own feelings, even though im feeling better.
but, i promised myself not to contact you, until u step out of your cave and contact me.
how can it hurt so much?
maybe its really my retribution for not loving u enough in the past.
when u said u dunno if u still love me as much, my heart went numb.
y is it that at this period of time, when im at my weakest, when my heart couldnt take any more toll, you chose to be so honest and tell me the truth.
how do u expect me to continue breathing bravely?
u said u may not have a conclusion in 2 weeks time, but we'll still go out as usual,
den wad for make me suffer like hell now?
ahh. wadever. im willing to suffer all this.
i think im crazy
but wad to do?
i love you so much.
i never fail to cry at every episode of the 9pm show.
for every episode, there is sure a scene which will make me cry.
today, i cried because ziling said something when she was standing at the rooftop, looking down.
she said: "when i look down from here, all living things seemed and looked so small to me. this world is so big, and we must really have the fate to become husband and wife"
how true is that?
its fate that brought us to the same school, same class, despite me living in the east and you over at North.
its fate that i've accepted you into my life, and from then on, i love you so much.
i dun wanna let go this fate.
i keep looking at my phone,
so afraid that it may ring anytime, and i miss the opportunity to pick up.
i look and look,
re-read my sms over and over again.
and i wonder....
when will u actually call.
i finally saw you today.
although i have to do it discreetly,
but im not going to complain, cos i got to see you.
did i tell u before, i dun like the red shirt u are wearing today?
haha. but as long as you like it, im ok with it.
i saw our ring our ur ring man,
i cried, but this time round with a smile on.
sometimes, all the assurance i need is really simple.
how long have you not seen me?
how long have you not talked to me?
how long have you not hold my hands?
how long have you not hug me?
how long have you not kiss me?
how long have you not say u love me?
im losing all the warmth already. are you?
you know wad, i really lost the sense of security that you used to give me.
but thats ok.
i know it can be earn back in the future.
sometimes, when i think if us,
im laughing at myself who used to think that she can live without you.
im not gonna let you go.
im even willing be the one to be dumped by you.
cos i love you.
its so tired to be happy.
but i gotta show you im alright.
im happy.
im happy.
im happy.
im not.
i finally master all my courage to send u a good night msg,
yet i only received 5 words back.
"good night 2. take care".
sound like we a such a distant friend.
uncontrollable tears is on duty again.
am i really asking for so much?
y do you always have the ability to make me cry?
can i go down to taka sqaure to take a look at you tml?
i'll make sure u wont know im there.
just a little peak to satisfy my cravings for you.
y do i sound so pathetic?
how i wished u know how im feeling now.
i feel so helpless.
i feel fear.
i feel anger.
i feel relieved.
i feel confused.
i feel so messed up.
looking at my phone, hoping you will call to at least say a "good night"
i waited and waited.
no calls. silent. still.
i start to wonder if i should call u instead.
i keep my fingers to my keypad,
key in your number,
delete your number,
key in your number again,
take a deep breath,
wanted to press the call button,
but i pressed the hang up button instead.
tears streamed down,
y m i struggling so hard,
y m i crying so hard,
just because i only wanted to say "good night" to you.
i feel so lost.
i really dunno wad to do.
it sux so much not to know what u are doing, how are you doing.
"hey, what is ah huat doing now?" "eh, today y nv go out with your boyfriend?"
all this questions,
i have to answer with a smile,
yet my heart is bleeding, yelling for help, hoping that i will nv face these question again,
because, the answer is " I HAVE NO IDEA"
it really hurt me real bad when u said u enjoy single life the past few days,
when i thought of u every moment,
trying so hard to stop my tears from flowing, so i wont worry my parents and friends.
im almost living in hell.
and u said u enjoyed the past few days.
u asked me y i didnt trust you.
will u trust me, if u were me?
saying u want a break out of sudden, telling me u dont know if u meant what u said and did the past weeks,
telling me you dont have the urge to go out or meet me.
tell me, after hearing all these,
dont i have the right to doubt?
these cruel reality, i wondered i survives.
solely on the smses u sent over the past weeks, saying you missed me, u love me.
yet on the other hand, i have to think if u meant want the sms states.
thoses smses are like my medicine, yet poison.
im willing to go through all these sadness, sufferings,
giving you time and space at my expense,
cos i loved u. i loved you to the extent that i couldnt believe that i loved you so much,
which allow me to accept all the harsh words u said, your personality, ur character, ur stubborness.
now i missed you so much,
yet i dont dare to give u a call.
so afraid that i might irritate you.
so afraid that u feel im pressuring you.
but who is gonna understand my plight.
im feel so breatheless,
that i feel that i might as well die.
created this blog and have no intentions to let others know abt it.
treat it as my secret diary ba.
things haven been running smoothly for me.
i've seems to have lost the power to engage with jiayi, huixian and huimei.
everything between us felt so superficial and surface.
i dunno if im sensitive or wad, but it juz gave me the feeling that jiayi is blocking all my means and ways to feel closer to them.
i hope im not under much influence of huat for me to feel bias against jiayi.
i dun wan this to happen cos i treasure her as my friend.
we still got to work for 1 more sem for the remaining projects especially BD.
there were so much things that we could talk about in the past.
but now...i really have no idea whats their hot topic about.
i felt like an outcast, trying so hard to fit into their world.
i find myself so disgusting.
yucks!
and i seems to lost balance within me.
i feel so out of place now.
its juz so not me.
i wanted to avoid everyone especially the girls.
i wanted to do everything alone.
i keep telling myself thats because im independent and i dunnid to feel the belonging-ness.
what it seems like its an excuse for me to hypnotise myself and to cover the fact that im actually distancing away from my frens.
i personally feel that all this cant really blame them.
as its me who spends so little time with them.
i deserve the outcome now dont i?
i sow my own seeds.
if i spent that little amount of time with them, that will be that much of attention i will get from them.
jehanne once said to me that for a relationship to work out well, u muz sacrifice the time u have for ur friends to ur bf.
is this worth it?
huat asked me to think about this question.
improving my relaitonship with huat at the expense of my r/s with my frens.
is it really worth it?
i always believe that there must be a balnce to everything.
and i must admit that i've been spending much more time with huat than with the girls.
but i dun understand why he feels likewise.
haiz.
i tried to spend more time with them,
but end up running away again,
cos i feel so not welcomed.
as if im juz another celine.
they didnt really inform me of outings and stuffs.
haiz.
is this really worth it?
should i write a letter and tell them how i feel?
we're going hk together...and i dun wan us to feel weird.
or rather, me to feel weird with them.............
save me anyone?
